Politics, Addiction and the “Dance” of Relationship: A Chi for Two® story

Micah and Logan gave me permission to write a blog post about a recent session they had.

 Micah said, “We talked about it. We agreed that we wanted others to know how transformed I was…how powerful it was for Logan to watch me…how much more connected we felt afterwards.”

 The session had occurred a week after the Capital was breached by people carrying signs to Stop the Steal. The president was accused of inciting violence. Micah and Logan had showed up for the session, very distressed.

In telling their story, I have changed some details for confidentiality. I will start from the beginning.

Micah and Logan had been together for a few years. They met in AA and were attracted to Chi for Two® partner practices because they align with 12-step messages about keeping “your side of the street” clean. The practices help us shift our focus off our romantic partners’ behavior and better care for ourselves.

In their first session, Micah and Logan had done the Chi for Two practice for romantic partners called On My Side. They were sitting on their sofa in their apartment on Zoom. I invited them to picture themselves on a road together traveling side-by-side, to picture the journey they had each traveled to get to this moment, and then to each take a turn mindfully saying the words, “You are on my side.” This led to some powerful exploration.

In this session shortly after the capital was breached, Micah spewed, “I couldn’t just sit there and watch that sh*& without exploding.” Before Micah could say more Logan interrupted, “I cannot stand it. I need politics out of our home!”

I caught the energy, “Yeah, wow, this is powerful stuff here, powerful, important, hard…triggering.” Logan nodded quickly. Micah nodded slowly.

I continued gently, “Do you remember when you did the On My Side practice that first session?” Logan’s eyes teared up. Micah looked away.

Speaking to Micah, Logan’s voice wavered, “I felt you on my side.”

Micah looked at the floor, speaking quietly to no one in particular and then drifting off, “...but this is…the country is…”

After some silence, I gently offered, “Today, I would like to invite you two into the Chi for Two® practice we call Not My Side of the Street.” Logan’s eyes flickered. I continued, “During the On My Side” practice, we talked about how when we are side-by-side with our romantic partners, coming from where we’ve come from, it’s like being on a road together. Remember me using those words?”

Micah snuck a glance at me, possibly because the words Not My Side of the Street remind AA folks of the 12-step program. I said, “This Chi for Two® practice helps us feel into how little we can control our lovers.”  Logan peeked at Micah.

“Micah, you look like you could use some help that Logan cannot give you.” Micah stopped breathing.

Demonstrating what I was describing I continued, “In this practice, we use one hand or both hands to feel what is not our ‘side of the street.’” Logan coughed. Micah sucked in a sudden breath.

“It’s like when we put a hand out to feel the heat from a fire…while keeping a safe distance from the fire. Logan, if I offer Micah a Chi for Two® practice of self-care, could you hold your hand up and feel what’s going on with Micah…but holding the knowledge: What’s going on with Micah is Not My Side of the Street?”

Logan responded quickly, “I don’t know. I remember feeling so angry when we first did that On My Side practice. Micah didn’t feel on my side like in the expression…like, on my side. And you helped me feel Micah…there…literally on my side. That was hard. I did not want to feel that, but I wanted to…damn it, you know what I mean. I don’t know if I can do this hand/fire thing.”

“Wanna practice?” I asked. “You could hold your hand up there next to Micah for a second while I check in w/Micah and then we could process that.” Logan’s hand flew up in the space next to Micah.

“Micah, how’re you doing?” I asked. Slowly Micah’s head moved in the gesture of No.

“How are you managing, Logan? Micah’s got some deep feelings. Can you feel that those feelings must come from experiences way before the time you’ve been together?” Logan held still.

Micah sniffed, stifling a sob, while still gesturing No.

Logan’s hand stayed in place. Slowly, Logan nodded.

“Micah, would you like to put your hand out, aimed at Logan’s hand but not touching, to feel what you cannot control? To feel Not My Side of the Street?” As Micah’s hand went up, a sob escaped. I continued, “And then I invite you, Micah, to feel where in your body you feel the most intensity of these powerful feelings.”

Micah sobbed, “My heart.” I said, “With Logan’s hand holding the space of Not My Side of the Street, you could now take your hand and bring it to your heart?” Both of Micah’s hands quickly moved. With hands holding heart, Micah’s back curved making a cave around all the vulnerable feelings.

Logan spoke, “I want to put my hand on Micah’s back.” I said, “Instead of offering that comfort, could you let your hand feel how amazingly brave Micah is to face this deep pain…to show you this pain…and to let you watch as Micah’s body finds some self-comfort?”

Logan was able to stay in Not My Side of the Street,” nodding slowly again.

“Micah, how does it feel to have Logan watch your journey?” Micah slowly nodded, sobs subsiding as the nodding continued through a hand reaching for a tissue.

Taking in a deep breath, Micah lifted a hand back toward Logan’s lifted hand, feeling Logan without touch. Logan trembled a little.

Turning to look into Logan’s eyes, Micah said, “Thank you for being there.”

Logan said tearfully, “I didn’t know how to be here before.”

“This is so beautiful.” I said. We talked more about how My Side of the Street helps us be more present because we are not freaked out thinking we should do more than we can for our lovers.